I met my soul mate, in college. I was very shy and found it difficult to talk to anyone, much less, men. Near the beginning of my freshman year, there was a band out in the common area. A man, that at the time, seemed older than me, which made me even more skittish than normal, asked me to dance. Being as backward as I was, I declined; however, he stuck in my mind. Through that semester, even though I went to a large school (excess of 12000 students), I continued to "bump" into this man. Then, at the start of the spring semester, there he was in one of my classes-I turned to speak to a friend and there "he" was-I about fell over. I could tell that he noticed me, also. (I found out later that he would have approached me right away; however, my friend that I was sitting by was also male, and he thought that we may be involved). He had enrolled in class late, so it was still several days before I found out his name. When I did, I found out that he was rooming on the same floor, same room as I was, except in the boy dorm by mine and that one of his roommates was from my high school.

Once I knew his name, I got braver and called him. We talked on the phone for hours-we were comfortable with each other instantly (I also found out that he was my age and that he was majoring in the same thing as me-actually, he started out in Criminology and changed to Psychology and I started in Psychology and ended up in Criminology). We had a great connection, yet he did not ask me out. One day, as we were walking back from class, he told me that we should stop and get a coke, because he had something to tell me. His hands shook and he was obviously quite emotional as he told me that the reason that he had not asked me out was because he had a girl friend that he had been with for a couple of years. She had a rough life and he didn't know how to break up with her (she was still in high school).

There was a lot more meaningful conversation (for years, I could move friends to tears by telling them all of what transpired that day because it was so obvious that we should be together, but the timing was not right). Only a short time passed and we had a test coming up, so I called him to see if he wanted to study. His roommates informed me that he had already gone to the library. As soon as I hung up, he called me-I thought that his roommates had told him that I had called, but they hadn't-he was still at the library.

Long story a little shorter, we spent most of our Freshman, Sophomore, and beginning of our Junior year in a strange off and on relationship-we were always great friends and when we were together it was awesome, but he had the girlfriend and we were young and "trying" out male/female relationships. When we were apart, I could sense him-I would look out the window as he was walking into his dorm or I would go to eat at the exact time that he was or I would run into him outside of classes, etc. I could "feel" his ups and downs, "feel" how he was doing and where he was, but we were young and we just couldn't get it together.

Then, in my junior year, another man asked me to marry him. Coming from a family that thought that you were supposed to get married right after high school, I felt that I had better take the opportunity or I may not get another (and because I was 20 years old, in my families' eyes, I was already "behind"-I should have already been married and on my way to having children). The man was older and divorced and used his knowledge (manipulation) to get me to agree to marry him quickly (within 3 months). No one tried to stop me. No one told me to wait a bit. So I got married. My soul mate was always there in my mind and in my dreams as I slept. I still spoke to him after I got married (I finished college a semester early), at college. He was shocked at how quickly the marriage had happened, but still always complimentary. After I moved away (and he was still at school), he called me. We talked for hours and he told me that he wanted to stop the wedding, but didn't feel that it was his place (I wanted to stop it too, but it happened so fast, I couldn't find the courage).

Once again, to kind of cut to the chase, we wrote each other for a while, but marriage and children took over and time went by. I still thought of my soul mate daily (sometimes more often). As far as the rest of my daily life, I felt numb, empty. When I moved again, I lost touch with him, but soon after, felt that he was nearby. I didn't know how to find him, but I found out later that he had moved close to where I had just moved from, I had also applied for a job across the road from where he worked, and other "coincidences"-we were so close for so long. In the mean time, he got married and had children, also.

I became a Realtor and found him in the tax records, just as he was selling his house. After he sold and moved, I felt as though he were closer than ever, but I couldn't find him in the tax records (or white pages or anything). I finally asked his Realtor where they had moved. I would not have gone any further than that, as I was still married and so was he; however, the Realtor did not respond to me (By the way, I had seen a sign for Estridge homes and had thought of him and when I finally spoke to him, I found out that was why I couldn't find him-because they had bought a brand new Estridge home, so it was delayed in the system, and he was indeed very close-less than 20 miles). Instead she told him and he called me. It had been nine years, yet I was still weak in knees-I don't know how I made it through that first conversation, but I did. To summarize, we have visited several times since then and when he went through a divorce, a year ago, I helped him find a new house. I know that we are meant to be together and I truly believe that someday we will be, but for now, I am in a marriage that I can't see my way out of (13+ years and two children, and coming from a family of no divorces, I just can't do it), so we just get a few moments here and there. I've never spoken to him about it, so I don't know if he experiences the same things or not, but my bond to him is stronger than to my own children-I know when he is sick, I know when he is happy, I know when he is overworked, etc. I can just feel it-it is like I am tuned in-that he is a part of me.

Anyway, I wish that I knew how to have a happier ending (I do believe that we will get there), but I don't have the answers right now.